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jordan
Uggh, I have to write this all over again....
So I originally thought 'Baby Girl, I will Avenge You' Would work but now I'm like....?....
This is not supposed to be very long or complicated, I just need to write 15 pages of it for an essay type thing. But here it is:
A women walks into a grand mall, ready to shop for her baby girl. The new mother runs into an old friend of hers from college and decides to leave her child and her belongings with him so she could go to the restroom . Him working and not having children of his own, leaves him careless. The mother left for what she thought would be for a few, very short minutes. When you gotta go, you gotta go, right? No more than a minute later she comes out and is horrified to see her daughter gone. After the police are called, search men are sent out and the security tapes are pulled up, its discovered that the child was kidnapped. Authorities were able to pull a man's face onto the screen, but when put into face recognition software .......the man is discovered to be dead. Approximately since 3 years ago. So her daughter was nabbed by a ghost? After countless days of searching, crying and confusion, the new mother's daughter turns up dead in a football stadium. Enraged, the mother sends out a vile warning through the news sent out across the world, "I will find you and murder your heartless soul!" and thus declaring her vengeance on the man for her daughter's death. It ends with the start of her 'hunt'.
Please realize this is VERY rough and SUPPOSED to be short. Any advice on a better plot or suggestions for a more detailed 'threat' the mother sends out will also be helpful. THANK YOU IF YOUR ABLE TO COME UP WITH A TITLE!!!
Answer
"Retribution"
"Retribution"
Is this plot/storyline any good? Can you rate it? PLEASE ANSWER!?
jordan
This is not supposed to be very long or complicated, I just need to write 15 pages of it. But here it is:
Title: Baby Girl, I Shall Avenge You (let me know if you have a better title)
A women walks into a glorious, brand new mall, ready to shop for her baby girl. The new mother sits her baby girl down in a restaurant chair to go to the restroom for one tiny second. When you gotta go, you gotta go, right? No more than a minute later she comes out and is horrified to see her daughter gone. After the police are called, search men are sent and the video tapes are pulled up, its discovered that the child was kidnapped. Security is able to pull a man's face onto the screen, but when put into police database.......the man is found to be dead. Exactly 5 years ago. So her daughter was nabbed by a ghost? After countless days of searching, crying and confusion, the new mother's daughter turns up dead in a football stadium. Enraged, the mother sends a death treat through the news across the world, declaring her vengeance on the man for her daughter's death. It ends with the start of her 'hunt'.
What do you think? Interesting enough? Would you read it? And what person, out of curiosity, would you put it in? 1st or 3rd? OOOHHH, and one more thing...what would you rate it out of ten?
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH, if you have any suggestions or advice, GREATLY APPRECIATED!
Okay, thanks guys for answering! (no matter how prissy......XP) And I guess I left out some key facts, that AT THE TIME, I didn't think mattered in a basic summary.
1) No, the girl wasn't ACTUALLY left alone, but with an old friend the mother ran into and trusted. He was working so he didn't exactly pay that close attention to the little girl.He doesn't have kids so he was kind of careless.
2) I understand what machine is really used or called for the 'police database', but again, didn't think it MATTERED when I was asking a simple (basic) question.
3) The ghost man being dead and all is part of an elaborate scheme where him and his comrades faked his death. Thats where the football stadium comes into play and the reason the girl was ever needed. Again, a background story that was the reason for why the girl was taken.
3) NONE of the details (except for 1) is actually NEEDED for the story because I only need to write 15 PAGES of it. And excuse my grammar,
Answer
Almost every aspect of this story is unbelievable. You may as well stick in some centaurs and an asteroid impact.
In my experience no woman has ever been able to use a public restroom for "one tiny second". Also many public restrooms have some facility for infants to be taken inside. And the mother would still have to answer the child endangerment issue even if she does claim to have left the child with a friend.
You may think these plot-holes are minor things that can be sorted out later, but you'll find that explaining away these issues are a digression that soak up the word-count and take pace away from the story.
Even if digital face-recognition technology were capable of identifying the baby-snatcher (who would have to have had a previous conviction) no-one would think that he is a ghost if there is video evidence of him walking around a shopping mall. If someone's gone to the trouble of faking their death and changing their identity they wouldn't reveal themselves by committing a crime in a public place with witnesses and CCTV cameras.
Making death threats is ILLEGAL. Taking the law into your own hands is ILLEGAL. A public announcement of a death threat would contravene any news broadcaster's policy of spreading terror messages. Even if she tried it spontaneously in a live broadcast, there is a three-second facility that enables the broadcaster to blackout their programming to stop the message going out.
Where's the daddy in all of this?
It's no good saying that details aren't needed and plot-holes don't matter. They do. Almost everyone who's answered this question so far has told you that it is yarbles, and you ought to take that on board.
****Suggestions:
1. Begin your story with the discovery of the baby snatching on video - recount whatever happens before with exposition if necessary.
2. Base the subsequent police investigation on witness testimony, not technology.
3. Ditch the faked death aspect. It's not as interesting as you think.
4. For the vengeance aspect introduce a sympathetic maverick detective willing to work both sides of the law, or an organized crime network sub-plot where the mother has gang links.
5. Consider telling the story from someone other than the mother's point-of-view.
As always I hate first person narratives. This would be better written in the third person. I think it's a better way of conveying the emotions of the mother without annoying the reader and gives you the opportunity to tell the story from multiple perspectives eg the mall security guard's, the police detective's and the baby snatcher's.
Almost every aspect of this story is unbelievable. You may as well stick in some centaurs and an asteroid impact.
In my experience no woman has ever been able to use a public restroom for "one tiny second". Also many public restrooms have some facility for infants to be taken inside. And the mother would still have to answer the child endangerment issue even if she does claim to have left the child with a friend.
You may think these plot-holes are minor things that can be sorted out later, but you'll find that explaining away these issues are a digression that soak up the word-count and take pace away from the story.
Even if digital face-recognition technology were capable of identifying the baby-snatcher (who would have to have had a previous conviction) no-one would think that he is a ghost if there is video evidence of him walking around a shopping mall. If someone's gone to the trouble of faking their death and changing their identity they wouldn't reveal themselves by committing a crime in a public place with witnesses and CCTV cameras.
Making death threats is ILLEGAL. Taking the law into your own hands is ILLEGAL. A public announcement of a death threat would contravene any news broadcaster's policy of spreading terror messages. Even if she tried it spontaneously in a live broadcast, there is a three-second facility that enables the broadcaster to blackout their programming to stop the message going out.
Where's the daddy in all of this?
It's no good saying that details aren't needed and plot-holes don't matter. They do. Almost everyone who's answered this question so far has told you that it is yarbles, and you ought to take that on board.
****Suggestions:
1. Begin your story with the discovery of the baby snatching on video - recount whatever happens before with exposition if necessary.
2. Base the subsequent police investigation on witness testimony, not technology.
3. Ditch the faked death aspect. It's not as interesting as you think.
4. For the vengeance aspect introduce a sympathetic maverick detective willing to work both sides of the law, or an organized crime network sub-plot where the mother has gang links.
5. Consider telling the story from someone other than the mother's point-of-view.
As always I hate first person narratives. This would be better written in the third person. I think it's a better way of conveying the emotions of the mother without annoying the reader and gives you the opportunity to tell the story from multiple perspectives eg the mall security guard's, the police detective's and the baby snatcher's.
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